[baby wailing]
[audience applauding and cheering]
Yes.
You guys did it.
All right.
Very nice.
We're all living our lives, everybody.
You get one, too.
Here's the deal. Before I start, let me say this.
I will tell you, I was listening to a Biggie Smalls song recently.
Yeah, I don't...
- I don't think it was a new one. - [audience laughing]
And, um...
[chuckles] Whatever happened to that guy? He got so lazy.
[audience laughing]
The name of the song was called "Juicy."
You guys remember? It's a good song.
It starts... Like a lot of '90s hip-hop, it starts the same way.
It starts with a dedication in the beginning.
He doesn't start rapping right away.
The beat comes in, before he starts rapping Biggie Smalls goes:
"This song is dedicated to all the teachers who told me
I would never amount to nothing."
[audience chuckling]
All right.
What school district did Biggie Smalls go to school in?
Because that is a horrible teacher.
Let's forget about the double negative for a second
and just get to the overall message.
I can't imagine a worse thing a teacher could do
than to go up to a...
Well, outside of a Catholic school, outside of a Catholic school.
[audience laughing]
I cannot imagine one worse thing
a teacher could do than to go up to a kid and just be like, "Hi, how are you?
Oh, you're so cute.
Did you know...
that you will never amount to nothing?
All right, enjoy kindergarten. Life is meaningless."
[audience laughs]
That's a bad teacher. That's a really bad teacher.
Here's the problem, though.
That was not the only teacher who said that to him.
Yeah.
If that was the only teacher who said it, Biggie Smalls would not have said:
"To all the teachers who told me I would never amount to nothing."
He would've said, "To the teacher who told me I would never amount to nothing."
Or, "To Mrs. Johnson, this fucking bitch. Wait till you hear what she did to me."
He said "To all the... " That means it wasn't even two teachers.
If it was two, he would've said "both."
[audience laughs]
He said, "all." "To all the teachers who told me I would never amount to... "
That means there were at least three different teachers...
who went up to a young Biggie Smalls...
just to be like, "Excuse me.
Excuse me, Mr. Smalls, um...
We've all been talking in the teacher's lounge.
And we just want you to know, you're not gonna go anywhere in life."
Yeah, rude.
He was probably pretty upset by that.
He was probably like, "Why not?"
And they were probably like, "Your grades are terrible.
You're only good at poetry. What are you gonna do with that?"
[audience laughing]
Biggie Smalls didn't listen to them.
He ignored them. He was able to overcome it
and become probably one of the greatest rappers of all time.
[audience member cheers]
Yeah, he's not here. Don't worry about. Hmm.
[audience laughs]
With that in mind...
this set
is dedicated...
to the guidance counselors at the Hebrew Academy of Greater Washington...
[audience laughing and clapping]
for always telling me to apply myself.
Yeah, I also ignored them.
And that's why Ari's not a lawyer.
[audience laughs]
I was smart. When I was little, I was legitimately smart.
I really was, I really was.
And then I smoked pot, like, a couple times a day for 15 years, and, uh...
And now I forgot to write the end of that joke.
[audience laughs]
My friend told me... My friend broke up with his girlfriend.
He told me he texted her like a week later.
Texted her and told her that she needs to get tested for herpes.
Yeah, and I was like, "Dude,
that's a phone call."
[audience laughs]
I know we live in a texting society,
but there's certain moments you gotta hear a voice.
You know what I mean? You can't get some texts.
You can't get a text that says, "Come identify this body."
[audience laughing]
You'll be like, "New phone, who is this?
I don't have you in my contacts."
You know?
There's certain moments where a text won't do.
The STD call, that's one of those times.
I get it. It's a hard phone call to make.
I understand. I've been there. I've made that phone call.
Yeah, it's difficult.
You gotta do it. You gotta keep calling exes
until you've reached the head vampire.
[audience laughing]
And then...
And then you can stop calling.
I hope you guys never have to make that call. I really do, I really do.
But if you ever do, here's my suggestion.
Make a fun game out of it.
Yeah, entertain yourself, 'cause they're not gonna be entertained.
So, someone may as well get some joy out of it.
I called this woman. She was like:
"Ari, what's up? I haven't talked to you in two weeks.
How are you? I'm happy to hear from you." And I was like, "Uh, don't be so excited."
[audience laughs]
I was like, "I've got good news, and I've got bad news."
And she was like, "Oh, fun. Okay."
She was like, "What's the good news?" I was like, "Well...
the good news...
is that...
chlamydia...
is one of the most easily curable diseases...
that anyone could ever get."
[audience laughing]
And she was like, "Yeah, I mean, I guess that's good news."
She was like, "What's... What's the bad news?"
And I was like, "Do you really not know what the bad news is?
[audience laughing]
Think about it. You'll get it.
No, I mean, I talked to my doctor. You will get it.
There's no way around that.
Get treated, not tested. For sure you have it."
[audience laughing]
Has anybody in here ever had chlamydia before? By a round of applause.
One guy.
A few of you. Of course, Texas. Wait, is it just one person?
[man] I raised my hand twice.
All right, you've had it twice. [laughs]
"I raised my hand twice."
[audience clapping]
Well, you're the expert, man. I guess. You're the new expert.
It's curable, right?
- [man] Yeah. - Yeah, it goes away.
It obviously goes away.
- [man] Shot in the ass. - Shot in the ass.
Well, they gave me pills. You might still have chlamydia. I don't know.
But they gave me pills. Yeah, yeah, it's different ways to take it, for sure.
You're all right.
And then it goes away forever.
Or until you fuck someone else with chlamydia. Then it's right back.
- You gave it to them back? - [man] It was the same person.
- You gave it to her and she gave it back? - [man] Yeah.
Wow, such a family. You guys should get married.
What a lovely, romantic story that is.
It's antibiotics and it's gone. Sometimes they'll give pills.
And if it's pills, it's either two days or four days
or at maximum ten days of pills and then gone forever.
It's the "I'll let you off with a warning" of STDs.
[audience laughs]
Every patient whose doctor tells them they have chlamydia goes:
"Yes, officer, I'll never speed again. I apologize."
It could've been a lot worse.
By the way, to catch you guys up, black people in here,
when I say, "I'll let you off with a warning," that's a white term.
- Uh... - [audience laughing]
That's, uh...
something that happens once in a while when a cop pulls you over
and instead of, uh,
giving you a ticket or shooting you, they'll be like, "Ah, get out of here."
It's awesome. White privilege, you guys, it's awesome.
[audience chuckling]
But at worst, ten days of pills, then gone. You can handle that, right?
You could deal with that, too.
Ten days of pills. You can say you lost your prescription,
get double, put the rest in her drink. Never have to have that talk.
[audience laughing]
Here's what it means for humanity.
Here's what "ten days of pills, then gone" means for humanity.
That means...
if everyone in the world with chlamydia
could just stop fucking
for ten days...
[audience laughing and clapping]
there would be no more chlamydia.
But the people of Earth are like, "Well, we don't accept those terms.
[audience laughing]
That's just too difficult.
We'll give you eight days and chance it. The best we can do for you."
Ever think you have something 'cause you had sex once in the last three months,
you got one itch and you're like:
"Yeah, I've got everything that's ever existed.
What's that itch about?
What's that itch if I don't have everything? My dick's gonna fall off."
Sucks. You self-diagnose. You ever do that?
Where you're like, "It's this or this." Never ask your guy friends, by the way.
Never ask male friends for help on what it is.
I was like, "I got this like... " "AIDS, you have AIDS for sure."
[audience laughing]
"I haven't told you the symptoms," "I can look at you, AIDS-y.
For sure you have AIDS."
[chuckles]
One time... One time, I thought I had herpes.
I was positive I did. It was like ten years ago. I mean, I was sure.
It was... Okay, it ended up being a cut on my dick.
I'll tell you how I got it later, but...
But I will tell you, if you Google-Image- Search the words "cut on your dick"...
a lot of herpes pictures come up.
So, I was positive I had it.
I had to call this woman and be like, "Hey, uh...
bad news, bad news.
[audience laughing and clapping]
Yeah, you got the worst one."
And, uh, she was not happy about it.
I went to a doctor to get tested and the doctor was like:
"No, you don't... You don't have herpes."
And I was like, "Are you sure?"
And he goes, "I mean, you wanna do best two out of three?"
[audience laughs]
And I was like, "Yeah, run it back, man. Run it back."
He's like, "You don't have herpes." I was like, "What is it?"
And he goes, "You have a tear of the penile membrane."
Yeah, it sounds worse, right?
I was like, "What that's? What's a tear of the penile membrane?"
And he goes, "It means you have a cut on your dick."
I was like, "How'd I get a cut?"
He goes, "I don't know. It's not my dick. That's not how this works.
[audience laughing]
I'm not a fortune teller. I just diagnose people.
If you had a broken leg, I'm not like, 'Basketball?'
I just tell you it's broken. I'm not a fucking wizard. I have no idea.
I don't know how you think this works.
What, have you been masturbating harder than normal? I don't know."
I go, "Same as always." He goes, "Think about it."
I was like, "Okay." He goes, "Sit here and think
and I will be back in ten minutes."
He visited other patients and came back, and goes:
"Did you figure it out?" I was like, "I think I did, man."
I think I did. It was about a month before that.
Yeah, right about when I noticed the cut.
I had, uh...
I had anal sex.
Uh, giving.
[audience laughing]
I wasn't taking it. I was like, "I hate myself.
Why do I always fall into these traps? Cut, cut, punish."
Yeah, no, I was dishing it out, and, uh...
I ask him "Could it be that?"
He goes, "Yes, absolutely, it could be that."
I was like, "All right."
He goes, "Did you use lubrication? Did you use lube?"
And I was like, "No, I did not.
Should I have?"
He goes, "Yes, absolutely, you should've used lube when you had anal sex."
I said, "Is that a medical thing?"
And he goes, "No, I'm just a guy and I'm telling you.
Don't stick your raw dick into someone's asshole, you fucking animal.
The fuck is wrong with you?
I knew that before medical school. Jesus Christ, dude."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "All right."
So, he gave me some antiseptic cream, some Neosporin.
He said, "Put that on." I said, "All right."
He goes, "That's not for lube." And I'm like, "I know it's not for lube."
I didn't know. I didn't know. I thought it was. I really thought it was.
I really did. I acted like I knew, but I didn't know.
I thought he was just giving me like one dose of lube.
I thought he was a cool doctor.
I thought he was like, "Next time, [clicks tongue] try that."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
I went home, you know, and I was all happy about it. No herpes.
It was the first time in my life I didn't take for granted not having herpes.
Every other moment, I never thought about it.
We all take it for granted, right?
Or three out of four of us take it for granted.
[audience laughing]
The other one out of four's like, "I remember when I didn't have herpes.
Wish I still didn't have it."
I was all happy. Everywhere I went it was like rose-colored glasses, you know?
Everything bad that happened to me didn't really matter 'cause I didn't have herpes.
I went to Star Wars Episode I first weekend, opening Saturday night.
I was like, "Two tickets to Star Wars."
And they were like, "Are you out of your mind?
This has been sold out for four months."
The guy's like, "I'm sorry." I'm like, "No big deal. I don't have herpes.
I'll just go see The Notebook and still not have herpes."
[audience laughs]
And then I realize I gotta call that woman back.
There's someone that thinks they have herpes and doesn't, so, I had to call.
Here's how she answered the phone when I called: "What do you want?"
You know, she was still upset about the last conversation, you know?
Didn't really go her way.
I was like, "Good news, I have good news."
"What?" I said, "You don't have herpes." She was like, "Really?"
I was like, "I don't know. You might.
I don't know who else you're fucking, but I for sure don't have it."
She's like, "What was it?" I was like, "Just a cut on my dick."
And man, we laughed about that.
I was like, "I can't believe it." She goes, "How'd you cut your dick?"
I was like, "Eh, don't worry about it. No big deal."
[audience laughs]
I guess what happened was, the way the doctor explained it:
you guys ever take a cork out of a bottle of wine?
And if you don't take it straight out,
but if you take it like a little bit at an angle,
sometimes the cork can break.
All right, I don't wanna get into specifics with you guys, but...
[audience laughing]
Here's... Here's the one thing I came away with, that whole thing,
that Neosporin would be the worst lube to use for anal sex.
That's the only thing I took out of it. It'd feel good while you're doing it.
But here's the problem, when you're done, your butthole would just like...
seal up.
[audience laughing]
It would just heal away until you have no butthole.
You'd be buttless.
You guys know how science works?
Understand how science works? That's what would happen.
You guys are gonna look up,
"Would Neosporin make your butthole go away?" [chuckles]
Trust me, you don't have to look it up.
I've been to a few countries this year, actually. I went to Amsterdam last year.
- [audience cheers] - You guys been there?
Did you smoke pot? Did you smoke pot while you were there?
What else are you gonna do, go to museums?
Kill yourself. There's no reason to do that.
You can see all of Van Gogh's works on the Internet.
There's no reason to go to Amsterdam for that.
But there's legal marijuana. Fully legal marijuana, yeah.
Yeah, it's awesome. At coffee shops, right? They're called coffee shops.
[man] They serve coffee?
Yeah, no, they don't serve coffee. That's the weird thing.
I don't know why they're called coffee shops.
I don't know where you buy coffee in Amsterdam, to be honest.
Coffee might be illegal in Amsterdam.
[audience laughing]
Maybe you gotta go to one of those fake L.A.-style doctors
and be like, "Doctor, I'm having trouble waking up in the morning.
Can I get some Ethiopian blend or something?"
What'd you guys think of the weed?
[audience cheers]
- [man 1] Yes. - [man 2] Yeah, oh, yeah.
No, it was so-so, to be honest. Yeah.
Oh, you're used to Texas fucking Odessa weed. That's the problem.
[audience laughs]
The shit you bring in from Mexico.
You're not supposed to sell weed by the brick.
That's when you know it's bad weed. "How many bricks do you want?"
"Bricks? What are you talking about?
Eighths, man, eighths."
It was good, but it just wasn't the best. It was like B-plus, A-minus weed.
Yeah, and I smoke pot everywhere, you guys. I smoke pot all over the world.
- [audience cheers and claps] - Yeah, that's what I do.
That's how I prove I'm a free American.
Yeah.
You know who has the worst weed? The worst weed in the world?
Australia.
By far the worst. I'm telling you, I've smoked everywhere.
I smoked pot in the streets of Shanghai,
where it's punishable by death.
I was rolling a joint and my friend said, "They'll fucking kill you.
Are you crazy?"
And I was like, "Well, now I need it more than ever. I'm fucking nervous.
My God, you turned this medicinal.
It was crazy what you just did."
[audience chuckling]
I was in Australia and I was drinking. I had like two or three beers.
Somebody said, "Can I buy you a beer?" I was like, "I'm getting drunk."
And they were like, "Oh, you fucking pussy.
You can't handle your alcohol. Fucking pussy."
They kept saying it and I said, "Light up one of your dirt joints right now.
And I will smoke this whole country under the table.
I will go hit for hit with every citizen in Australia
and I will bury all of you."
[audience laughing]
Yeah, the Amsterdam weed was good, though. It just wasn't the best.
My friend's like, "You didn't try the right place."
I'm like, "I tried all the places.
[audience laughs]
I was very thorough in my investigation."
Here's how I proved it. I went to every coffee shop.
I strutted to the front and I was like:
"Hey, hey, hey, sell me your strongest weed
or America wins again."
[audience laughing]
But I wore, like, a cowboy hat and Confederate-flag suspenders,
big Mickey Mouse belt buckle.
Like, they hated me. They wanted to prove it, you know?
This one guy went to a bottom drawer.
Two guys had to turn a key at the same time.
This drawer opens up and dry ice came out of it.
And he held up this nug
and he was like, "Smoke that. It's the last of Hitler's reserves.
If he didn't kill you, this will."
[audience laughing]
I smoked. He's like, "What do you think?" And I was like, "It'll do."
[audience laughing]
You guys wanna hear the worst side effect of marijuana?
Yeah, they don't tell you about this in the D.A.R.E. program.
They always lie.
All those outreach programs, they lie a bit to, like, try to convince kids,
but kids see through it, so, then they, like, don't hear the message at all.
They're like, "If you smoke pot,
you're gonna end up living in your grandmother's basement."
I'm always like, "Uh, that's a wonderful thing to do."
[audience laughs]
If you live and take care of your elderly grandmother,
that's an amazing, charitable way to live your life.
You're a way better person than me.
That is not a side effect of marijuana. Absolutely not.
Here's the worst side effect of marijuana.
It's when you watch 44 minutes of an episode of Law and Order
before you realize you've seen it nine times before.
[audience laughing]
That's real shit that could happen to you, and it's not a good feeling
when you realize how many times you've wasted that much time.
If you're high when you're watching, it's more of a betrayal
'cause you get way into it.
You know, I'm always watching high, I'm like, "This fucking judge.
He threw out the evidence.
They're never gonna get this motherfucker now.
He'll be on the beach with his wife sipping Mai Tais
and laughing at the justice system.
Oh, fuck, his wife tricks him. Goddamn it, I remember this."
[audience laughing]
Did you go to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam?
- [audience members] Yeah! - I went, too. I didn't know it was there.
[man] Yes.
I mean, I knew if you quizzed me, but I didn't really know, you know?
If you... I knew it was in Europe.
Me and my friend were going to the Heineken factory.
Heineken's based in Amsterdam.
We were headed there and then we like walked by it,
and I was like, "Oh, fuck, the Anne Frank House."
It was super easy to find.
I do not know what took the Germans so long. It was fucking...
[audience laughing]
It's fucking right there.
They could not have been... They were not looking.
For sure they were not looking.
That is not the well-oiled machine they would have you believe.
It was right on the waterfront. I mean, whatever, but...
It was this house where Anne Frank lived for a little while.
[audience titters]
You guys, it's about to get so much worse, so...
[audience laughing]
If you're gonna turn on me on that tagline of a joke,
you're in for a bad seven minutes.
I saw it and I told my friend, "I think I gotta go in here."
And he's like, "To the Anne Frank House?"
He was like, "Why? This seems like a downer."
I'm like, "For sure it's gonna be a downer."
I don't think there's any good rides at the Anne Frank House.
Not like the Heineken factory. The Heineken factory has a Heineken boat.
Yeah, and it goes down a river of Heineken through the whole warehouse.
There's all these Heineken Oompa Loompas that cheer at you the whole time.
Then you find out they're not Oompa Loompas.
They're children with fetal alcohol syndrome.
[audience laughing]
Yeah.
They were yelling, "My mom drank beer!"
And you're like, "She sure did, sport. She sure did.
What are you, 32 now? That's great.
Give me a high-two with that claw, all right."
[audience laughing]
My friend was like, "Why do you have to go in the Anne Frank House?"
I'm like, "I'm a Jew,
and I don't think I'm allowed to not to go to the Anne Frank House."
And he was like, "Well, I'm not a Jew, and I don't wanna go with you."
I'm like, "Yeah, you're making the right decision."
So, we split up. He went to Heineken, I went to Anne Frank.
First we had lunch. Right next to the Anne Frank House
there's this restaurant with really good grilled cheese.
Yeah.
- No joke, just... - [audience laughs]
You don't have to go to the Anne Frank House,
but like right next to the Anne Frank House, check it out.
It's like Anne Frank, right there. It was awesome.
It was probably the best grilled-cheese sandwich I've ever had.
It has five different kinds of cheeses.
Mashed tomato. Honestly, guys, do yourself a favor.
Check out that grilled-cheese place.
Then I went to the Anne Frank house. It was this two-hour tour.
They take you through the whole thing. All the floors and rooms.
And, uh, he was right. It was a downer.
It was not a fun experience in any way.
Every time I go to museums like that, I think it's not gonna get me.
Then it does. It always fucking gets me.
When I got back to my place in New York,
I kept thinking about Anne Frank.
I kept thinking about the Anne Frank House and the way she lived,
and the more I thought about it, the more I realized...
I can already tell you guys are not gonna go with me on this.
[audience laughs]
Anne Frank didn't live that bad, you guys.
[audience laughs]
You weren't there. I was there. Don't believe what the media tells you.
It wasn't that bad at all.
Here's how I know:
I got my first place in New York, an apartment in New York.
And a girl at the time came over, and she's like:
"Give me the tour of your place." That's normal.
I was like, "Sure. Okay, well... uh...
[audience chuckling]
Uh, all right.
Well, there's the kitchen.
It's pretty much just part of this room, but...
That's where the fridge and the stove are, so, we call that wall the kitchen.
Uh, couch is over there.
You might see it as a bed, but it's daytime right now,
so, it's called a couch this hour.
Bathroom's there. If you want to brush your teeth,
I suggest sliding the shower door open
so you can get full extension.
Otherwise you're gonna have to brush like that.
That's your choice. However you want to play that.
And, uh...
Yeah. That's it. Ta-da.
That's the tour.
The Anne Frank tour took two hours.
[audience laughs]
She lived so much better than I live.
Plus that grilled-cheese place next door?
[audience laughing]
That had to come in handy.
During the Holocaust? That's comfort food, you guys.
What better time for comfort food than the Holocaust?
She was probably there every day.
Every night. Probably every night.
[audience laughs]
Probably not a daytime order for Anne Frank.
She was probably like:
"Give me a grilled cheese.
Come on, hurry up."
It's grilled enough. Let's go."
[audience laughs]
They'd be like, "Is that to go?"
"To go, every time!
I cannot eat here. Hurry up!"
[audience laughing]
I like to imagine Anne Frank getting upstairs going, "Oh, phew,"
with, like, her bag of grilled cheese.
Her friends are like, "You brought grilled cheese?"
And she'd be like, "Oh, did you guys...?
Did you want some? You should have said something.
I would have brought you some.
What did you eat instead?
Oh. Wallpaper glue? Again?
They had tater tots. You should have said something.
I'd have totally gotten you some."
[audience chuckling]
I can't wait for my father to hate that joke.
[audience laughs]
I've been to a bunch of places this year. I went to Thailand last year, too.
Last April.
A year ago in April I went to Thailand.
- It was fun. You guys ever been there? - [audience members cheers]
A couple of you? It's cheap. It's third world.
I mean, it's so cheap, you guys.
You ever go to a country and do conversion math in your head?
Like their currency to dollars?
I was doing that. I was buying a beer in Thailand,
and I was trying to figure out how much it was in dollars.
My friend was like, "It's free. Everything here is free."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
You hand them some orange money and they give you beers for five weeks
until you leave.
And they build a statue in your honor.
[audience laughing]
Everything's such... And you can bargain, too.
Craziest thing. You can bargain over almost anything.
I went to buy a shirt once,
this shirt I liked, and I asked how much it cost.
It was 200 baht. That's their currency.
B-A-H-T.
But he didn't tell me 200 baht.
He took out a calculator,
and he typed 200 on the calculator,
and then he handed me the calculator.
And I took it, and I was like...
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Why are we involving this?
Are you trying to show me where all the calculators went?"
I was like, "Are we bargaining?"
So, I just tried something. I was like, "I don't know."
So, I typed, "Minus 125...
equals..."
and then I handed him back the calculator.
[audience laughing]
And he took it and he was like, "Puh." He was like, "Plus 90."
And he gave it back to me.
I was like, "Minus 70," and I gave it back to him.
We keep going back and forth like that. That's what you do.
That's what you do. Until you get some number you can't live with.
You're like, "I'll walk. I'll walk the fuck out of here right now.
If you think I'm going 1 baht over 150,
you're out of your goddamn mind!"
[audience laughing]
Then he's like, "Fine, 150 baht." "That's right, motherfucker.
I'm no sucker."
And then you realize you've been bargaining for ten minutes over 31 cents.
[audience laughing and clapping]
Yeah.
Thirty-one cents, which he could have used to feed his family on for four days.
But you're like, "Not my problem. First world."
[audience laughing]
[audience whistling and applauding]
This one's tough. I, uh...
I think I'm a homophobe, you guys.
Yeah. I don't want to be homophobic, but I think I am.
My gay friend accused me of being homophobic.
Gay Andrew, we call him.
[audience laughing]
That's not why. That's got nothing to do with this.
He signed off on that nickname. We had two Andrews in my dorm.
We had to separate them somehow.
So, it was Gay Andrew and Straight Andrew.
Or if you got to know them, if you were in the crew, Gandrew and Strandrew.
You know what was worse?
We had three different guys from China in my dorm named Wei.
W-E-I. You know what we called them?
Wei One, Wei Two, and Wei Three.
[laughs] Wei Three hated it.
He hated it.
Like, "Why do I gotta be Wei Three?" "Shut up, Wei Three!
You asshole. Come on, Wei One. I'm sorry you had to hear that."
[audience laughing]
Gandrew and Strandrew, and this happened, like...
three years after college.
We were all at a bar. We were drinking.
It was 11:00. We left this bar.
"What should we do next?" And so, Gandrew's like:
"You know what we should do now?"
I was like, "What?" He goes, "Let's go to my place.
We can totally fuck."
It's like, "Wait, what?
Did you just try to slip in a fuck?"
[audience laughing]
And he's like, "Did you notice?" Like, "Yes, I noticed.
Absolutely, but I'll tell you:
Even if I didn't notice now, I would have noticed later,
when you tried to fuck."
He was like, "I'll never stop trying." "That's fine. I don't care."
At that point, he'd been hitting on me for five years.
All through college and then some. I didn't mind, you know?
It's flattering, and I'm stronger than him, so, who cares?
[audience laughing]
You know? It's all the benefit, none of the danger.
But he was getting mad, you guys. He was mad.
When you hit on someone for five years and don't get anywhere, it's frustrating.
I've never... I can't imagine being in that situation.
Not get anywhere. And he lost it that night.
Couldn't take it anymore.
He just goes, "Ari." Just right at me:
"Why won't you fuck me?"
Yeah, just blatant like that. Jesus Christ.
Is that what women deal with all the time? Like, "Why won't you fuck me?"
And I was like, "'Cause I'm not gay."
I'm telling you, if a gay guy's hitting on you
and you tell him you're not gay, that is not a good enough answer for a gay man.
[audience laughs]
You'd think that'd end the argument. It does not.
It only changes it slightly.
He goes, "How do you know?"
Like he's gonna outthink me right there on the spot.
He's gonna logic his way into my asshole.
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Is that really a question? How do I know?
How do I know I'm not gay? I don't know, man.
I guess I've always sort of suspected.
Is that the answer?
I remember when I was young, like 13,
I remember seeing a love scene in a movie.
I remember looking at the woman the whole time.
And right there I was like, 'Oh, fuck, maybe.'
Later, I remember, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came to my house.
Before anybody else got it, I took it to my room.
And I masturbated to it.
Until I came.
And that was my second clue.
[audience laughing]
After a while I just came to terms with it. I just realized who I was.
And I told everybody in my life. I told my mom, my dad.
I sat them all down. I was like, 'Guys, I'm...
I'm a heterosexual.'
[audience laughing]
[audience member cheers]
To be honest, Gandrew, everybody's been cool about it.
You're the only one giving me a hard time.
Everybody else knows I was born this way. It's not a choice or a decision.
They've all been very respectful of who I am, except for you."
Then he goes, "Okay, that's fair. That's fair. You're right. My bad."
But he wasn't done trying.
He was like, "How about this?"
He goes, "Let's go back to my place... "
"Andrew, come on." "No, just hear me out. Just wait, okay?
It's okay, shh, it's okay.
We'll just go back to my place, and I'll just blow you."
And I was like, "No."
And man, he could not accept that at all.
He was like, "You won't even let me blow you?
Are you kidding? You aren't gonna let me blow you?"
And I was like, "No." And he was like, "Why?!"
And I'm like, "'Cause I'm not attracted to men."
He goes, "Yeah, but, Ari, I've seen a lot of the women you've hooked up with.
[audience laughing]
And you're not attracted to a lot of them either."
I was like, "Well, touché, Gandrew. Touché."
I get too drunk. It happens. Absolutely.
And he goes, "So, shall we fuck?" And I'm like, "No. We shall'n't."
[audience laughing]
He goes, "That's 'cause you're homophobic."
I'm like, "What? I'm homophobic 'cause I won't let you fuck me?"
And he goes, "No, no. You're homophobic 'cause you won't let me blow you."
I was like, "Please explain."
And he goes, "Okay. Sure."
He asks me some questions. He goes, "Do you like blow jobs?"
I was like, "Yes. I do."
I've always... My entire career, I've always voted pro-blow job.
I'm like Bernie Sanders and Ron Paul. Down the middle.
Never waffled on the main issues.
Always voted yes on Prop Beej.
[audience laughing]
Yeah. And he's like, "Great. Okay. Well, I enjoy giving them."
I was like, "So?"
He goes, "So, you want something, and I have that thing."
I was like, "I don't understand." He goes, "Let's say you wanted a Kit-Kat.
You didn't have any Kit-Kats.
You're like, 'I wish I could get a Kit-Kat but it's so late and no stores are open.
There's no place to get a Kit-Kat. What am I gonna do?'
Your old buddy Gandrew shows up,
and he's got a knapsack full of Kit-Kats,
and he's just looking to give one out.
'Take one.' 'No. I don't want to.'
'Take one. I love giving them out.
It gives me some weird gratification to hand out a Kit-Kat.'"
[audience laughing]
He goes, "You know what you do?" "What?" "You take a Kit-Kat.
You probably take a couple.
You'd get annoying. Next time I saw you, you'd be like:
'Hey, can I get another Kit-Kat?'
[audience laughing]
I'd be like, 'We don't have time.' 'Let's go to the back and get one Kit-Kat.
I don't see what the difference is.'"
[audience chuckling]
He goes, "You know why? 'Cause there's no social stigma on a fucking Kit-Kat."
And I'm like, "So, I'm a homophobe because I won't let you blow me?"
He goes, "Yeah, that's right. You are."
And I was like:
"I gotta think about this, man. I don't know.
[audience laughing]
What you're saying makes sense.
I don't want to be homophobic. I was a fucking liberal arts major.
I can't be homophobic, but I think I am.
I think I am. I've never let a dude blow me. I've never fucked a dude."
It's stuck in my head. That was 15 years ago,
and it's stuck in the back of my head. Every few months I'd think about it.
Not all the time, but gay marriage would come up as a topic.
Everyone would weigh in. I'm like, "Homophobe. You can't talk. Oh, yeah."
I can't be part of this dialogue.
Yeah, it bothered me for so long.
I mean, I've stuck my dick in horrible places.
[audience laughs]
Just horrible.
But never a man.
And I mean horrible. I mean, like, I fucked a couch before.
[audience laughs]
Yeah. You know whose couch? Worst person possible.
My Mommy and Daddy's couch.
[audience laughs]
Yeah, the blue one in the living room.
I went in there between Seat Cushion 2 and 3.
I would get in there and I would just fucking... Just:
I would hold the cushion tight so it would feel better.
I would hook my ankle in the other one, like...
And bring it in.
That's how I'd get off to that swimsuit issue.
I'd fucking look at Rachel Hunter, and I'm like:
[audience laughing]
Do you know how good it felt to fuck that couch as a 15-year-old?
Do you know how...? Awful, you guys. It felt awful.
[audience laughs]
It would chafe my dick.
You're not supposed to fuck couches. You know that?
They're not for fucking. They're for sitting on. Yeah.
Maybe that should be on a Snapple bottle.
The original function of a couch was not for 15-year-olds to explore themselves.
They're just for sitting on.
Yeah, it would chafe my dick almost to the point of bleeding.
Yeah.
Maybe that's how I got the cut on my dick.
[audience laughs]
Maybe that was it. Maybe that's the original wound.
It took me like a week to heal.
You know what I did as soon as I was done?
Yeah, I was right back in there.
"You thought I was gone? I'll never be gone. I own you.
You're mine."
I've fucked a couch and I've never fucked a man.
I was like, "Maybe I'm a homophobe. Maybe it's true."
I always thought, like, no, I wasn't attracted to a man.
But maybe I'm wrong.
And then, last April...
I took that trip to Thailand.
[audience laughing]
Some of you are ahead of me.
I haven't gotten there yet, you guys.
My friends all asked me the same question when I got back.
None of them asked me about the food, the amazing cuisine.
None of them asked me about the temples every four blocks.
The only question they had: "Ari, did you fuck a ladyboy?"
[audience laughs]
That's all they wanted to know.
And I was going to, you guys. I was for real.
That was the plan. That was the plan.
Do you guys know what a ladyboy is?
- [audience members] Yes. - Okay. If you don't, it's a transsexual.
But it's better than that. It's regional. They dominate.
[audience laughs]
They're like the best of the best.
The Thai ladyboy is like the '92 Dream Team of transsexuals.
[audience laughing]
Yeah, and just like the '92 Dream Team,
only one out of 12 of them have AIDS.
[audience] Oh!
[audience laughing and clapping]
What are you guys, Magic fans? Relax.
And I was going to. I was for real going to. I was gonna fuck a ladyboy.
Because no, guys, I'm not attracted to men. I'm not.
But I am attracted to hot-looking women
who happen to have one weird detail about them.
[audience laughing]
That's a whole different thing. And they are hot. They're hot, you guys.
They're hot. From behind, you can't tell.
From behind, they're like petite.
They're like 5'3"...
Asian men, but they're, like, small.
They wear black miniskirt dresses,
so, their asses and legs look good. They've got long, straight Asian hair.
The kind Jewish women buy.
[audience laughs]
You know?
You come up behind them like, "Goddamn, she's hot as fuck. Who's that?"
And then you look in front, they got breast implants,
and they tuck their dicks with, like, industrial-grade jockstraps.
The best of the best.
And you look at them from below the Adam's apple down,
and you're like, "She's so hot. So is she."
Then you look up. You're like, "Hello, sir. Gentlemen.
Fellas. How you guys doing? What's up, bro? Dude?"
[audience laughing]
Yeah, the people who say they're tens definitely fucked a ladyboy.
And I wanted to, you guys.
Why not? What better place to dip my toe into the waters of homosexuality
just to see how it feels, you know what I mean?
You don't want your first gay experience when you're wondering whether you should...
You don't want your first experience to be some buff dude
who comes in like, "I'm gonna tear that ass apart!"
"I'm out, I'm out, I'm out. I can't do it. I thought I could. I apologize.
I'll pay for dinner. Get an appetizer. I apologize. I can't do this."
[audience chuckles]
You gotta start small and work your way up. The ladyboy, you know?
It's like the marijuana of gay.
[audience laughing]
And why not Thailand? Why not?
They don't talk a lot of English. They have a low Facebook presence.
What better place?
If I could do it, if I could fuck one ladyboy,
I could prove to myself that I wasn't a homophobe.
You know? Once and for all. I just wasn't attracted to Gay Andrew.
Ladyboys are different. I was like, "I'm gonna do this."
If I can do it, I can do all the stuff that I want to do in the world.
You know what I want to do? I'm gonna open myself up.
I wanted to get five to come with me to a Thai kickboxing fight.
They're like 15 bucks for the whole day. For 75 dollars,
you can get five of them. I was gonna get a mink coat and walk in like this:
[audience laughing]
[audience member cheers]
First I had to get my dick wet.
You know, so, I went into one of the massage parlors.
They all start crowding around me.
Like, "Ladies, ladies, fellas, whatever, back off, give me some room here.
Let me breathe. This is my first time. I'm not a regular."
So, they all moved away. Super respectful.
There's 40 of them in there.
Two of them were legitimately hot.
Two of them... Nobody could tell.
Any guy here would buy them multiple drinks
to try to get with them. So fucking hot.
And then there was a third one that was, like, way older.
You know, she was like a ladyman.
[audience laughing]
She had gray chest hair in her bikini top. It was unsettling.
I was like, "Hang up the jockstrap. Your career's over."
So, one of the "hot" hot ones saw me looking at her, so, she comes over,
she takes my hand, she starts leading me back.
I'm like, "Oh, fuck, I'm doing this. I'm doing this. This is happening."
We go to the back, through this curtain. My heart's beating out of my chest.
I was so nervous. We start going up these steps.
I went up two steps and my whole body just kind of stopped.
I just seized up.
She looked back like, "What's the matter?" And I was like:
"I'm homophobic.
[audience laughing]
Fuck. For sure, yeah. I'm a homophobe."
She's like, "You're not attracted?" "I'm super attracted. You're hot as fuck.
But I can't do it." Then she was like, "What's a homophobe?"
I'm like, how do you explain to a ladyboy hooker in Thailand
what homophobia is?
It's such an open society. And I was like, "All right well,
let me try, I guess.
A homophobe is like, imagine if you gave somebody a hamburger,
and they were eating it, and halfway through,
you were like, 'Actually, just so you know, it's a veggie burger.'
Then imagine they started spitting out what they had in their mouth.
And they're wiping their tongue with a napkin,
and maybe they start punching the burger 'cause they're so mad at it,
and they tell it, 'If you tell anybody this, I'll kill you.'
And then they hung themselves.
They couldn't live with eating a veggie burger."
I'm like, "That's a homophobe."
I'm like, "You look exactly like a hamburger,
and I bet you taste and smell just like one, too,
but deep in my heart, I know you're a veggie burger,
and something's not letting me eat it.
And that is homophobia."
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding and cheering]
Yeah.
And then she goes, "Well, I don't understand. Do you like blow jobs?"
"Yes, I like blow jobs. Why does everybody ask me this?
Of course I like blow jobs."
Do I have a no-blow-job-liking face? What is this question?
She was like, "I'm really good at them."
I'm like, "Yeah, I mean, you've gone pro, obviously."
[audience laughing]
I don't know what your world ranking is, but it's a testimony to your skill level.
So, I left.
And I deal with it now.
- I'm a homophobe. - [audience laughs]
My friends are like, "No, just 'cause you wouldn't fuck a ladyboy hooker in Thailand
that does not make you homophobic."
But I disagree, you guys. I think it does.
[audience laughs]
Like, you guys, Austin, Texas, you're not homophobic, right?
Austin, Texas. The rest of Texas I'm sure is.
[audience laughs]
Probably most of you aren't homophobic. You aren't.
You're not. Would you fuck a ladyboy?
No? It's okay.
- [man] I got a girl. - You've got a girl. Fine.
But let's say she died in a horrible car accident.
And you wanted to console yourself in the arms of a beautiful ladyboy woman.
[audience laughing]
I think that's probably everybody's answer. Probably.
Like, not fuck a ladyboy, also not homophobic.
But let me ask you all a question.
And actually, I'll just ask you three in particular.
This is a question for every guy in here
to think about. Would you rather fuck a ladyboy
or...
a sheep?
[audience laughs]
You're thinking about it!
[audience laughing]
It's human!
The answer is human!
You would fuck our species over any other species!
Homophobe, homophobe, homophobe, homophobe!
I know. It got me, too. That's the only reason I know it's a hard question.
Somebody asked me. I was like, "What's the sheep doing? Just walking by?
Is it, like, looking at me all weird?
It's not a talking sheep, right, doesn't know my friends?"
- Homophobe! - [audience laughing]
Thank you very much, everybody.
[audience applauding and cheering]
You guys have been tremendous.
What a fucking pleasure to play here.
Have a good night, everybody. Thank you very much.